Well, the day finally happened. I feel skinny. And I don’t like it at all. For a long time now, people have told me I’m thin, but I never really believed it. I always felt round around the edges, and I always felt like how I looked wasn’t good enough. I wanted to look like models, who were muscular (not necessarily important for me) but most importantly skinny. Well, today when I was getting out of the shower, I saw something abnormal. I saw my ribs. I wasn’t sucking in my stomach, or trying to make myself look particularly thin. I was just standing normally, and there they were, sticking out a bit from my side. You would think that finally seeing for myself that I was skinny would be a positive thing, but it’s not. I finally have to come to terms with the fact that I have a problem.
Every time I go back to Iowa on break, I realize that I get full a lot faster when I eat. I think I just told myself that people were preparing more food for me to celebrate that I was home. That isn’t the case. It’s completely opposite. I’ve been eating less while away from home, but telling myself that it’s normal. I just wanted to achieve the perfect ultra-thin, muscular ballet body everyone aspires to have. But I didn’t do it in the right way. I told myself that it was normal that I wasn’t eating as much, and I was just lying to myself. Being thin doesn’t make me happy. Being happy makes me happy. And I’m not happy because of this.
I don’t think I’ll be able to succeed in an environment where I don’t feel happy with my body. I’m always telling the super skinny girls with sticks for legs how lucky they are, but they don’t believe me. Just like how I don’t believe the people who talk to me. I told myself it’s different since they’re girls and I’m not, but it isn’t different. I don’t want to have body image issues for the rest of my life. I want to see myself in a mirror, and think “I’m healthy, and I love my body.” I don’t want to see it and think I’m unhealthy, on either ends of the spectrum. Hopefully I’ll get better over time. I’m just glad I realized I have a problem before it gets too late. I’ve heard so many terrible stories of people who didn’t stop themselves in time.